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The Dolphin Code


  • 1. Your last surfacing procedure was:

  • a. First class.
  • b. Surpisingly good.
  • c. Understandably awful.
  • d. Indescribable.

  • 2. I presume you got your ticket in a raffle.

  • 3. For the last serial you could have used any fishing vessel.

  • 4. My battery is:

  • a. 100% - I will simulate a nuclear submarine if you wish.
  • b. 75% - I will simulate a nuclear submarine for a short time if you wish.
  • c. 50% - I will not simulate a nuclear submarine, regardless of your wish.
  • d. 25% - I will simulate a conventional submarine and will hot-pipe if you wish.
  • e. DEAD - I hot-pipe now, regardless of your wish.

  • 5. I was unaware that medical standards had been revised. You must be blind as a bat.

  • 6. During the last action you displayed noticeably suicidal tendencies.

  • 7. Once again, you have demonstrated a commendable ability to practice basics.

  • 8. The last serial was so bad that we watched a double feature.

  • 9. Your exercise instructions are simple. Simply awful.

  • 10. I am unable to act as evasively as I wish.

  • 11. I am unable to act as evasively as you wish.

  • 12. I am surfacing because:

  • a. I must make repairs.
  • b. I wish to bale out water.
  • c. Your chances of locating me are negligible otherwise.
  • d. I wish to barbecue the next meal.

  • 13. I must temporarily withdraw from the exercises because of difficulties with:

  • a. Technical systems which are difficult to explain.
  • b. Batteries/Motors/Generators - I no go right.
  • c. Sonar - I no hear right.
  • d. Ingress of water - I no float right.
  • e. Fire/smoke - I no breathe right.
  • f. Personnel - I no lead right.

  • 14. Please accept my apologies for failing to make the assigned rendezvous. My reason is as follows:

  • a. The navigator is a Newfoundlander.
  • b. I was doing something else at the time and didn't think you'd miss me.
  • c. I erroneously assumed that you would be where you said you would be.
  • d. My navigational equipment has not been updated since the Boer War.

  • 15. If you don't ask me to raise more masts, I won't ask you to fly with your wheels in the water.

  • 16. Your last attack is assessed as follows:

  • a. Excellent - within 500 yards.
  • b. Good - within 1000 yards.
  • c. Marginal - 1000 to 2000 yards.
  • d. Poor - over 2000 yards.
  • e. Awful - over 3000 yards.
  • f. Unmeasurably distant.

  • 17. It is difficult to believe that you and I are operating in the same ocean.

  • 18. Your message (Date Time Group _____________):

  • a. Appears to have been drafted hastily.
  • b. Does little to foster good relations.
  • c. Is a shining example of illiteracy.
  • d. Is not held by this unit.
  • e. Is held by this unit but we wish it wasn't.
  • f. Requires the sort of reply I am not used to making.
  • g. Was a crippler.
  • h. Bend over, here it comes again.

  • 19. When we were surface sailors we also used to do silly things.

  • 20. If you decide to graduate to advanced exercises, please hire a different submarine.

  • 21. If you ask me to fire another smoke, I'll scream.

  • 22. Submariners never cheat and rarely lie.

  • 23. It's a pity that in wartime we'd be on the same side.

  • 24. Your approach to the problem was impossible but tactically sound.

  • 25. a. Your helicopter frightened me.
  • b. Your helicopter didn't frighten me.
  • c. I frightened your helicopter.
  • d. I wasn't aware you had a helicopter airborne.

  • 26. a. Thank you for your valuable assistance.
  • b. Had assistance been rendered, I would have been thankful.
  • c. No, thank you, I do not require assistance.
  • d. Please do not render assistance. I require your help like a hole in the head.

  • 27. You have been on task for serveral hours. You must be suffering terribly from crew fatigue.

  • 28. We have been on task for several weeks. Next week, we will probably begin to suffer from crew fatigue.

  • 29. Tracking without attacking is the commonest form of military masochism.

  • 30. I suppose the worsening weather will mean you have to stop the war.

  • 31. The adverse weather is affecting us greatly - the movie projector tipped over twice.

  • 32. If you're so good, why aren't you in submarines?

  • 33. Submariners do it deeper.

  • 34. Submariners think deeper.

  • 35. Deep down you know it makes sense.

  • 36. Submariners are super.

  • 37. Submariners have bigger balls.

  • 38. Diesel boats forever.

  • 39. Black is beautiful.

  • 40. Breaker one nine, this is rubber duck. I think we got us a convoy.

  • 41. Ten four.

  • 42. Please be gentle, this is my first time.

  • 43. We think the water has been sufficiently ensonified. Maybe you should try something else.

  • 44. You have the uncanny ability to complicate a very simple exercise.

  • 45. Intelligence is a God-given gift. Doorknobs are man-made. Mental midgets have only God's love. Is my point clear?

  • 46. After working with you, I now realize why some animals eat their young.

  • 47. My CO and XO can out-drink your CO and XO.

  • 48. When someone is as good as me, it's hard to be modest.

  • 49. Happiness is 500 feet in Force 10.

  • 50. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

  • 51. Don't knock a stern shot until you've fired one.

  • 52. If you provide the fresh water, I'll provide:

  • a. Soap.
  • b. Towels.
  • c. 60 dirty bodies.
  • d. Whiskey.
  • e. All of the above.

  • 53. G. O. Y. A.

  • 54. D. B. S. F. W.

  • 55. B. U. F. F. S.

  • 56. P. P. P. P. P. P.

  • 57. S. M. F.

  • 58. With sub killers like you around, I look forward to a long life.

  • 59. Missed me again.

  • 60. Can I go home now?

  • 61. We may be small but we're slow.

  • 62. My bite is worse than my bark.

  • 63. I was delayed in returning to periscope depth because:

  • a. A large whale was holding me down.
  • b. I forgot to vent my depth gauge.
  • c. I was waiting for the last reel to finish.
  • d. I had to resolve my plot.
  • e. I wasn't sure if I knew that you knew where I was.
  • f. I wanted to annoy you.

  • 64. Many thanks for:

  • a. Your kind hospitality.
  • b. The newspapers.
  • c. The skin books.
  • d. Nothing.
  • e. The OPORDER.

  • 65. Excuse me, Sir, but I think you have confused me with someone who gives a damn.

  • 66. My reports/reply/message/letter was/will be late for the following reason(s):

  • a. Writers cramp.
  • b. Typewriter unserviceable due to overheating.
  • c. My priority list didn't coincide with yours.
  • d. We didn't think you'd notice.
  • e. I plain forgot.
  • f. The XO plain forgot.

  • 67. RPC (Request the Pleasure of your Company) for:

  • a. Noon cocktails.
  • b. Informal operational discussion.
  • c. Post-exercise punchup.
  • d. Light meal and refreshments.
  • e. Sarnies and sludge.

  • 68. MRU (My Regrets, Unable) because:

  • a. I am otherwise operationally committed.
  • b. I am otherwise socially committed.
  • c. Your last such event was disasterous.
  • d. I am unable to maintain your pace.
  • e. I don't want to come.

  • 69. WMP (With Much Pleasure):

  • a. You offer so few invitations, I can't afford to pass up this one.
  • b. Let's do it again.
  • c. For a short time.
  • d. For as long as you'll have me.
  • e. With bells on.

  • 70. Your social event was:

  • a. First class, thank you.
  • b. Disasterous, as expected.
  • c. One which should never be repeated.
  • d. Most detrimental to health.
  • e. A crashing bore, better luck next time.

  • 71. Unbelievable, will advise Mr. Ripley.

  • 72. a. Very well done.
  • b. Well done.
  • c. Well done, sort of.
  • d. Not well done.
  • e. Badly done.
  • f. Very badly done.
  • g. Don't do it again.

  • 73. Have lost the bubble, will retrieve.

  • 74. Bubble found.

  • 75. What can I say?

  • 76. Reason(s) is/are as follows:

  • a. I goofed.
  • b. XO goofed.
  • c. Somebody goofed.
  • d. Inattention, for which some S.O.B. will pay.
  • e. Temporary decline in usual high standards.
  • f. Another example of usual low standards.
  • g. I thought I could get away with it.
  • h. Misdirected malapropism.
  • i. Lapsus lingae.

  • 77. This port is:

  • a. Fantastic, better not send surface ships here.
  • b. Outstanding, can we come again?
  • c. Reasonable
  • d. Not the sort of place submariners should visit.
  • e. Hostile.
  • f. Only good for storm avoidance.

  • 78. Wish you were here.

  • 79. Bet you wish you were here.

  • 80. Glad you're not here.